I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
North Korea, Best Korea!
my phone needs a breathalizer
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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