can u get pink eye on your cock?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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