gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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