Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
