My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
