I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
