It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
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Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I got inside last night via doggy door
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
last night I used snow as a chaser
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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