Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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