Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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