zippers are such a cool invention
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
