I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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