It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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