We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
