Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
