why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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