i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
