Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
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Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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