you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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