I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER