I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
