he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
