I accidentally had phone sex last night
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
