Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
