when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
