its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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