Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
