My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
