his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
