I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize