How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
