Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
