well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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