Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
