I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I had to cum in my sink.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
