I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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