The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
