i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
