Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
