he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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