I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
