I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
