I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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