Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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