Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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