Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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