I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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