I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
