so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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