i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Vodka?
Forever.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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