I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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