Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
