im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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