When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize