Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
