For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
