We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I want her autograph on my taint
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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